Let’s Throw Our Brains and Our Guns Into the Toilet at the Same Time (Parody)

(Parody of Josie Duffy’s histrionic harangue “Your Opinion on Gun Control Doesn't Matter,” posted to the liberal Daily Kos website, December 2, 2015. Warning: Many sentiments, including those herein attributed to Noam Chomsky and Patrick Henry, are purposely inverted. It’s meant to be satirical. Caveat lector!)

Let’s Throw Our Brains and Our Guns Into the Toilet at the Same Time

Why don't we just stop thinking entirely? I don't care about your "arguments." I only care about the images that I am shown on my television.

I'm willing to call a spade a spade: I'm too emotionally-engaged to process this anymore. Thankfully, the six-odd corporations that own the majority of the news media in this country have made the talking-points crystal clear.

Firstly, there have been more mass shootings than days in the year! Who needs analysis when faced with numbers like that?

Secondly, if you are one of those types that views the Bill of Rights as an organic whole, such that one amendment protects the others; or who thinks that a citizen who is well-trained in the use of her firearm could actually protect herself and others from being senselessly massacred by shooters hopped-up on psychotropic drugs; or who believes, with the Founding Fathers that being armed is quite possibly a population's very last defense against government tyranny; then you are a monster.

You can take history and philosophy and shove them! Your right to keep and bear firearms is preventing the rest of us from carrying out background checks and monitoring behavior for potential threats. I mean, who could have spotted mild-mannered Sayed Farook as a would-be mass killer when all he did was things like subscribe to Sunni Islam and take vacations to the ISIS-supporting country of Saudi Arabia? Let's recall that only 15 of the 19 men blamed for the attacks of September 11, 2001 were from Saudi Arabia. (The remainder was surely culled from the Tea Party.)

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, this is a public health crisis. I feel sick already.

We need to move immediately to task the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention with the job of gun-violence-epidemic surveillance. As an institution committed to sober scientific analysis, the CDC would never make a mountain out of a molehill. I thank my lucky stars every day that CDC alerts probably saved Western Civilization from hantavirus and monkeypox. Though, I confess that I still get the shiver-shakes whenever I see a mouse trap or visit the local zoo.

Now this media fixation upon gun violence has my stomach in knots every time my fiancé takes the subway to work. I don't want people I love to die. I don't want to die. I'm too young to die!

This is exactly why I never turn off the television! I have a deep-seated psychological hunger to be constantly apprised of every single danger that might face my fiancé or me. Who cannot see, between the commercial breaks, the plain writing on the screen?

If there is one thing we know for sure, it's that seemingly endless attention upon violent events is going to bring the viewing audience clarity. As Noam Chomsky has pointed out, the mass media and television is dominated by the public relations (PR) industry. Around World War One, this business was called the propaganda industry. After it was found out that "propaganda" was entirely the work of dastardly, rightwing types like "Nazis" and the National Rifle Association, the name was changed straight-away.

I thank the Universe that, as Chomsky put it, the PR industry, which in its regular vocation sells toothpaste, life-style drugs, automobiles and other commodities, has truth for its guiding principle. "[T]he Committee on Public Information, established to coordinate propaganda during World War I, ...'discovered in 1917-18 that one of the best means of controlling news was flooding news channels with facts, or what amounted to official information.'"

You just think about that! I'm watching a livestream of the local news right now. I won't even turn it off to complete my article submission - that's how scared your guns have made me.

I am inundated with facts. A bewildered reporter tries to swallow his tears. From that, you heartless rightwing bastard, I infer that he's sad! Fact number one!

It's also raining outside. How fittingly that sets the mood. And it's also fact number 2!

Clear across the country in California there are a dozen dead bodies, each end brought by bullets. There are so many facts packed in there I feel like I need an enema! I don't need to wait for an "autopsy." Scrutiny is offensive to "survivors" and it always has been!

I don't care if these shooters, like so many others, were on mood-altering, prescription pharmaceuticals. You know the type. They sport "black box" warnings that possible side-effects include suicidal thoughts and violent outbursts.

I don't need any "investigation"! The initial, live footage, together with the speculations of various talking heads, is good enough for me!

What could possibly be discovered in an inquiry that would be of any interest, you insensitive a-hole? What? The U.S. government itself has no track record of training assassination squads in Latin America. The Central Intelligence Agency has never engaged in "black operations." The Federal Bureau of Investigation has never infiltrated domestic groups with anything like "COINTELPRO." The National Security Agency doesn't spy on Americans. Edward Snowden taught us that in his spare time while he was vacationing in Russia.

It's not even possible that there is a deeper narrative - to this event or the "gun control" push in general. How dare you insinuate otherwise?

What I care about are the parents, frantically calling, hoping that their children are alive. And thanks to the uncompromising truth-mission of the mainstream media, I get continual doses of raw facts.

At this moment right now, the crime has just been committed. It's not time for a criminal investigation! It's time to give up our guns!

Think about it this way. The survivors are just embarking on a journey of pain, guilt, trauma, regret and flashbacks. Their pain might last decades.

But maintaining historical continuity with the Founding Fathers is supposedly worth it to you! You say, Let's not give up the hard-won liberties, maintained over centuries, just because we've been whipped-up into a frenzy by the corporate media over goings on the last few years. You quote the Roman poet Juvenal, "Who will guard the guards themselves?"

Do I have to remind you that most governments, historically, are more than willing to protect their unarmed people? Do I have to say it out loud? I will! "Giving up our cherished American liberties is absolutely worth it to me!" What else can I do??

As Patrick Henry said: "Life is so dear, and peace is so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery!" I just want the icky feeling to go away.